Name: McVey
EMail: john.mcvey1@comcast.net
Date: November 05, 2005
Time: 08:09 PM

Jokes

An old retired Master Chief puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old time's sake.

He hires a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's going at it as best as he can for a guy his age. The old Master Chief asks, "How am I doing?"

 The prostitute replies, "Well, sailor, you're doing about three knots."

"Three knots?" he replies, "What's that supposed to mean?"

She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back."

Name: McVey
EMail: john.mcvey1@comcast.net
Date: November 05, 2005
Time: 08:05 PM

Jokes

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails.

Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a man from Texas stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome: tall, well-built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.

He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt.....

One button at a time. ....

No one moves. .....

He removes his shirt. .....

Muscles ripple across his chest. ....

She gasps...

He whispers....

"Iron this -- then get me a beer.

Name: McVey
EMail: john.mcvey1@comcast.net
Date: November 05, 2005
Time: 08:03 PM

Jokes

A crusty old Master Chief found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Master Chief for some conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, Master Chief, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am," the Master Chief replied, "Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards, medals and decorations and said, "It looks like you've seen quite a lot of action."

The Master Chief's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should just lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.."

The Master Chief just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally, deciding to take a different tack, the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

The Master Chief looked at her and curtly replied, "1955, ma'am."

She gasped, "Well, there you are! You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! Isn't that a little extreme?"

The Master Chief, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "Do you think so? It's only 2130 now..."

Name: McVey
EMail: john.mcvey1@comcast.net
Date: November 05, 2005
Time: 08:00 PM

Jokes

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?'"

Again, no response except from Pedro. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Pedro. "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, with almost a mob hysteria, teacher said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"

Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"

Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

Name: McVey
EMail: john.mcvey1@comcast.net
Date: November 05, 2005
Time: 07:55 PM

Jokes

There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this roomful of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it." the man replied.

The doctor's office erupted in laughter.

Name: McVey
EMail: john.mcvey1@comcast.net
Date: November 05, 2005
Time: 07:50 PM

Jokes

A fellow golfer saw his old friend Bobby at the golf course, and rumor had it that Bobby was marrying a Czech "mail-order" bride. Being a good friend, the golfer asked Bobby if the rumor was true.

Bobby assured him that it was.

The friend then asked Bobby the age of his new bride to be.

Bobby proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in November."

Now the friend, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an 70+ year-old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy, he tactfully suggested that Bobby should consider getting a hired hand to help him out around the house, knowing nature would take its own course.

Bobby thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the friend ran into Bobby at the golf course again. "How's the new wife?" he asked.

Bobby proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."

The friend, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"

Without hesitating, Bobby said, "She's pregnant, too."

Never underestimate old Gruesome geezers.

Name: McVey
EMail: john.mcvey1@comcast.net
Date: November 05, 2005
Time: 07:38 PM

Jokes

LITTLE TONY ON MATH

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little TONY.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which little TONY replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking."

LITTLE TONY ON MATH (Part 2)

Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father?

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2 x 3,'" I said "6", replies TONY.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?'"

"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!", said little TONY.

LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH

Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today, Class,  we are going to learn multi-syllable words. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

Little TONY says "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful."

Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blow job."

LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR

Little TONY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

The teacher replied, 'Now, little TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"

Name: McVey
EMail: john.mcvey1@comcast.net
Date: November 05, 2005
Time: 07:36 PM

Jokes

Two women who had been friends for years, decided to go for a Girls Night Out, and were decidedly over-enthusiastic on the martinis. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to use the bathroom.

They were very near a cemetery and one of them suggested they wiz behind a headstone.

The first woman had nothing to dry herself with so she thought she'd take off her panties, use them, then throw them away.

Her friend, however, was wearing rather expensive underwear and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves. She dried herself with the ribbon. After finishing, they then made off for home.

The next day, the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, "This girls' night out thing has got to stop right now. My wife came home last night without her panties."

"That's nothing." said the other husband, "Mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that said, "FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU."

Name: McVey
EMail: john.mcvey1@comcast.net
Date: November 05, 2005
Time: 07:34 PM

Jokes

At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Senor W. A. Smith? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died"

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, that's the one."

"That's a shame! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?

"From eating rotten meat."

"Rotten meat? Who fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody senor. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Mr. Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at the house! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire." "

What the...!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral."

"WHAT FUNERAL?!"

"Your wife's. She showed up last night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."

SILENCE.................... "Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're fired!"

Name: McVey
EMail: john.mcvey1@comcast.net
Date: November 05, 2005
Time: 07:32 PM

Jokes

Are you a Yankee or a Rebel? http://www.alphadictionary.com/articles/yankeetest.html

Username: Dave Ames
UserEmail: gruesomegolfnut@comcast.net
Date: January 13, 2003
Time: 10:27 AM

Comments

Jacque and Mary were Scottish friends. One day Mary's curiosity got the best of her and she said to Jacque:

"Jacque, I've been wondering. What is it that you have up under that kilt?"

To which Jacque replies: "Well, Mary, if you really want to know, you'll have to put your hand up there and find out for yourself."

So Mary reaches up under Jacques kilt and promptly pulls her hand back, saying: "Oh, Jacque, that's gruesome!"

And Jacque, with a twinkle in his eye says: "Aye, Mary, and if you want to put your hand back under there, you'll find that it's grew some more!"

Dave

Username: McVey
UserEmail:
Date: October 03, 2002
Time: 04:07 PM

Comments

OFFICIAL WORLD'S FUNNIEST JOKE ******************************

Oct 3, 10:32 am ET By Corey Ullman LONDON (Reuters) -

After a year of painstaking scientific research, the world's funniest joke was revealed on Thursday. In a project described as the largest-ever scientific study into humor, the British Association for the Advancement of Science asked Internet users around the world to submit their favorite jokes and rate the funniness of other people's offerings. More than 40,000 jokes from 70 countries and two million critiques later, this is it:

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?"

Username: Scott Alder
UserEmail:
Date: June 1st, 2002
Time: 06:39 AM

Comments

Username: Scott Alder
UserEmail:
Date: March 06, 2002
Time: 09:53 AM

Comments

HER SIDE OF THE STORY:

    "He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it. I don't remember doing anything to make him upset, but I could tell there was something wrong. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I was getting really worried, what did I do? What was bothering him? Was he mad at me? I tried to cheer him up, but started to wonder what was bothering him. Was it me or something else? I asked him if he was upset with me, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the cab on the way back to his house, I said that I love him, and he just put his arm around me! I didn't know what the hell that meant because, you know, he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally got back to his place and I was wondering if he was going to break up with me! Why didn't he want to talk about this? So I tried to ask him about it, but he just switched on the TV. Why would he rather watch TV than talk to me? Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to sleep, hoping he would get the hint that I was upset and wanted to talk. I was so hurt that he was out there watching TV while I was in here going through emotional turmoil. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and we made love. I thought that maybe he would open up after we shared an intimate experience like that, but he still seemed really distracted. So afterwards I just wanted to leave because I was so upset, but I just cried myself to sleep. He didn't even notice how upset I was! I don't know, I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I don't know what to feel anymore. I'm on emotional overload. I'm so confused. I don't think he loves me anymore. Why does he have to play mind games with me? I mean, do you think he's met someone else???"

HIS SIDE OF THE STORY:

    "Played golf like shit today - shot 93 - can't putt. Felt kind of tired. Got laid though."

Username: John McVey
UserEmail:
Date: March 06, 2002
Time: 09:48 AM

Comments

AIR TALES:

A Cobra helicopter practicing auto-rotations during a military night training exercise had a problem and landed on the tail rotor, separating the tail boom. Fortunately, it wound up on its skids, sliding down the runway doing 360s in a brilliant shower of sparks. As the Cobra passed the tower, the following exchange was overheard:

Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?"

Cobra: "I don't know, tower. We ain't done crashin' yet."
***************
The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty (do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?"

Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger! , give me four thousand dollars worth."
***************
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long landing rollout after landing with his approach speed just a little too high. "American 751 Heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of highway 5 back to the airport."
***************
Tower: "American 702 heavy, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."

American 702: "Tower, American 702 heavy switching to Departure...by the way, as we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7...did you copy the report from American?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff...and yes, we copied American and we've already notified our caterers."
***************
A C-141 was preparing for departure from a base in Thule, Greenland and they were waiting for the! truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank. The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, but the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out.

When the Aircraft Commander berated the Airman for his lack of speed and promised to pursue punitive action, the Airman responded: "Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I am stationed in Thule and I am pumping shit out of airplanes. Just what are you planning to do to punish me?"

Username: John McVey
UserEmail:
Date: March 06, 2002
Time: 09:46 AM

Comments

A bum, who obviously has seen more than his share of hard times, approaches a well dressed gentleman on the street. "Hey, Buddy, can you spare two dollars?"

The well-dressed gentleman responds, "You are not going to spend in on liquor are you?"

"No, sir, I don't drink," retorts the bum.

"You are not going to throw it away in some crap game, are you?" asks the gentleman.

"No way, I don't gamble," answers the bum.

"You wouldn't waste the money at a golf course for greens fees, would you?" asks the man.

"Never," says the bum, "I don't play golf."

The man asks the bum if he would like to come home with him for a home cooked meal. The bum accepts eagerly. While they are heading for the man's house, the bum's curiosity gets the better of him. "Isn't your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy like me at your table?"

"Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it. I want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, gamble or play golf."

Username: John McVey
UserEmail:
Date: September 10, 2001
Time: 03:46 PM

Comments

A man is driving down a road. A woman is driving down the same road from the opposite direction. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells "PIG!!" The man immediately leans out his window and yells "BITCH!!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next curve he crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road.

If only men would listen.

Username: John McVey
UserEmail:
Date: September 10, 2001
Time: 03:46 PM

Comments

Subject: Southern Priorities

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged that they had or the past five years covertly funded a project with US auto makers whereby the auto makers installed black boxes in four wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 42 of the 50 states that the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!" Only the states of Maryland, West Virginia, Georgia, Mississippi, Louisiana, Alabama, Texas, and Tennessee were different, where over 89.3 percent of the final words were:  "Hold my beer and watch this."

Username: John McVey
UserEmail: john.mcvey1@comcast.net
Date: July 13, 2001
Time: 09:01 AM

Comments

A golfer who was known for his bad temper walked into the pro shop one day and plunked down big bucks for a new set of woods.

The staff all watched to see what would happen after he used them for the first time - more than half expecting he'd come in and demand his money back.

But the next time he came in, he was all smiles.

"They're the best clubs I've ever had," he said. "In fact, I've discovered I can throw them at least 40 yards farther than I could my last ones."

Username: John McVey
UserEmail: john.mcvey1@comcast.net
Date: July 13, 2001
Time: 08:58 AM

Comments

Three guys are golfing with the club pro. First guy tees off and hits a dribbler about 60 yards. He turns to the pro and says, "What did I do wrong?" The pro says, "Loft."

The next guy tees off and hits a duck hook into the woods. He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?" The pro says "Loft."

The third guy tees off and hits a slice into a pond. He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?" The pro says "Loft."

As they're walking to their balls, the first guy finally speaks up. He says to the pro, "The three of us hit completely different tee shots, and when we asked you what we did wrong you answered the same exact answer each time. What is loft?"

The pro says, "Lack Of Fucking Talent."

Username: John McVey
UserEmail: john.mcvey1@comcast.net
Date: July 13, 2001
Time: 08:57 AM

Comments

A man and his friend meet at the club house and decide to play a round of golf together. The man has a little dog with him and on the first green, when the man holes out a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs.

The friend is quite amazed at this clever trick and says, "That dog is really talented! What does he do if you miss a putt?"

"Somersaults," says the man.

"Somersaults?!" says the friend, "That's incredible. How many does he do?"

"Hmmm," says the man. "That depends on how hard I kick him in the ass."

Username: John McVey
UserEmail: john.mcvey1@comcast.net
Date: July 13, 2001
Time: 08:54 AM

Comments

Two long-time golfing buddies got to the course one day and decided that this day they would play the ball where it lies... "No matter what!"

On the 14th hole, one of them sliced his drive and it ended up on the cart path. As he reached down to pick up his ball to get relief, his friend said, "Wait a minute! We agreed that we would not improve our lies! Remember? No matter what!"

The first player tried to explain that he was entitled to this relief, that it was in the rules of golf. But the second fellow would not allow it. Throwing up his hands in disgust, the man went to the cart and grabbed a club. As he stood near his ball, he took a few practice swings, each time scraping the club on the pavement and sending out showers of sparks.

Finally, he took his shot. The club hit the path again, sparks went flying, but his ball shot straight towards the green, landed and rolled to a stop - two inches from the cup.

"Great shot!" his friend exclaimed. "What club did you use?"

The man gave him a wry smile, "Your 7 iron!"

Username: John McVey
UserEmail: john.mcvey1@comcast.net
Date: July 13, 2001
Time: 08:53 AM

Comments

A woman was playing golf. She ran over to the maintenance man and yelled, "You need to do something about all the bees!"

The maintenance man asked, "Did you get stung?"

"Yes!" she cried.

He asked where.

"Between the 1st and 2nd hole!" she exclaimed.

The maintenance man paused for a second and replied, "Lady, I think tha means your stance is much too wide."

Username: Ferrel Camp
UserEmail:
Date: July 13, 2001
Time: 08:50 AM

Comments

How do you identify the redneck girl at the Prom??

Her dress is strapless but her bra is not.

Username: John McVey
UserEmail: john.mcvey1@comcast.net
Date: July 13, 2001
Time: 08:49 AM

Comments

Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball.

After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in the hands of a skeleton. Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down here!"

"What's the matter?" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.

"Bring me my wedge," Joe shouted. "You can't get out of here with an eight iron!"

Username: John McVey
UserEmail: john.mcvey1@comcast.net
Date: July 13, 2001
Time: 08:46 AM

Comments

A nun goes to see the Mother Superior and says "Forgive me Mother Superior, for I have sinned terribly."

"What is your sin?" the Mother Superior asked.

"Well," the nun starts, "I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible."

"When did you use this 'language'?" asked the Mother Superior.

"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Mother Superior," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the Mother Superior again.

"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and flew away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed Mother Superior.

"No, not yet," the nun replied. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asks the now impatient Mother Superior.

"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole."

The Mother Superior sighs, "You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"

Username: John McVey
UserEmail: john.mcvey1@comcast.net
Date: July 13, 2001
Time: 08:36 AM

Comments

A fellow was trying to get in a quick round of golf before heading home one afternoon. He was playing alone, but as he walked onto the first tee, an older man -- senior citizen, actually -- asked if he could join him.

The guy was in a hurry, but didn't have the heart to reject the older man. What the heck, he figured, if the man slowed him down, he'd move off on his own later on.

To the young man's surprise, the older fellow played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste time.

"I've played this course for years," the senior citizen said."I know it very well. Don't have to waste time figuring out the lay of the fairways or anything."

Finally, in a satisfyingly quick time, they reached the 18th and final fairway. The younger man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree in front of him, directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man said, "You know, son, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

The younger man decided to try it.

He swung hard and drove the ball upward. It cracked into the trunk of the tree a little over halfway up and bounced back, rolling to a stop just a foot away from where it originally lay.

"Of course," the older man said, "when I was your age, that tree was only 3 feet tall."

Username: John McVey
UserEmail: john.mcvey1@comcast.net
Date: July 13, 2001
Time: 08:32 AM

Comments

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. The husband says, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."

On the third tee the wife tees up and shanks it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringes and says, "I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."

They walk up, knock on the door, and hear a voice say, "Come on in." They open the door and see glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch says, "Are you the people who broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replies.

"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm going to grant three wishes - I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"OK, great!" the husband saysid. " I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem - your wish is granted. And you, what do you want?" the genie says, looking at the wife.

"I want a house in every country of the world," she says.

"Consider it done." the genie replies.

"And what's your wish, genie?", the husband says.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman ina thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife".

The husband looks at the wife and says, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess it's okay."

So, the genie takes the wife upstairs and ravishes her for two hours. After it's over, the genie rolls over, looks at the wife and says, "How old is your husband, anyway?"

"35." she replies.

"And he still believes in genies? ....

Username: John McVey
UserEmail: john.mcvey1@comcast.net
Date: June 24, 2001
Time: 08:37 PM

Comments

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty bad. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer were sent for.

Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two buttholes."

"What? He had two buttholes?" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone in town knew he had two buttholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, "Here comes Bubba with them two buttholes."

Username: John McVey
UserEmail: john.mcvey1@comcast.net
Date: June 24, 2001
Time: 08:13 PM

Comments

Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking and bragging about their sons.

The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free."

The second man said, "My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded."

The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio."

The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We are just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?

The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and go-go dances in a gay bar."

The other three men grew silent as he continued, "I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio."

Username: Dave Ames
UserEmail: gruesomegolfnut@comcast.net
Date: March 27, 2001
Time: 09:35 AM

Comments

 Subject: ACTUAL T-SHIRT SLOGANS 

 1. "Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam." (seen on Cape Cod) 
 2. "That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" (seen on an 8 year old) 
 3. "Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up" 
 4. "Procrastinate Now." 
 5. "Rehab Is for Quitters." 
 6. "My Dog Can Lick Anyone." 
 7. "I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?" 
 8. "Party - My Crib - Two A.M." (on a baby-size shirt) 
 9. "Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since 15." 
 10. "ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING." 
 11. "West Virginia: One Million People, and 15 last names." 
 12. "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software." 
 13. "I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I'VE GOT A GUN." 
 14. "A hangover is the wrath of grapes." 
 15. "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance." 
 16. "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!" 
 17. "DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music." 
 18. "MOOSEHEAD: A great beer and a new experience for a moose." 
 19. "They call it 'PMS' because 'Mad Cow Disease' was already taken." 
 20. "He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead." 
 21. "Time's fun when you're having flies.......Kermit the Frog." 
 22. "POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN .... Cops have nothing to go on." 
 23. "FOR SALE: Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once." 
 24. "HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH." 
 25. "A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up a thousand times the memory." 
 26. "The Meek shall inherit the earth....after we're through with it." 
 27. "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana." 
 28. "HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig." 
 29. "WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years." 
 30. "The trouble with life is there's no background music." 
 31. "IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX?" 
 32. "Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!" 
 33. "The original point-and-click interface was a Smith & Wesson." 
 34. "MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT." 
 35. "Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit." 
 36. "Computer programmers know how to use their hardware." 
 37. "MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three-Mile-Island cleanup team." 
 38. "NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine." 
 39. "Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research." 
 40. "My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't.

Username: John McVey
UserEmail: john.mcvey1@comcast.net
Date: March 19, 2001
Time: 02:42 PM

Comments

 A few new ones..

  What's the best form of birth control after 50? 
 Answer:   Nudity 
  What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?  
Answer:   45 lbs.   
  What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 
 Answer:   45 minutes. 
  How many women does it take to change a light bulb? 
 Answer:   None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch. 
  What's the fastest way to a man's heart? 
 Answer:   Through his chest with a sharp knife. 
  Why are men and parking spaces alike? 
 Answer:   Because all the good ones are taken and the only ones left are disabled. 
  Why do men want to marry virgins? 
 Answer:   They can't stand criticism. 
  Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking? 
 Answer:   Because those men already have boyfriends. 
  What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? 
 Answer:   After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. 
  What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? 
 Answer:   The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. 
  What do you call a smart blonde? 
 Answer:   A golden retriever. 
  Why does the bride always wear white? 
 Answer:   Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator. 
  A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs? 
 Answer:   The blonde, because she's 18. 
  Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? 
 Answer:   Ask your mom. 
  What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom? 
 Answer:   Say, "Nice Dick." 
  Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? 
 Answer:   Because they have cotton balls. 
  What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? 
 Answer:   A porcupine has the pricks on the outside. 
  What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?  
Answer:   "Are you sure it's mine?"   
What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts? 
 Answer:   Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck. 
  Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? 
 Answer:   Mace will do that to you. 
  If you are having sex with two women and one more walks in, what do you have? 
 Answer:   Divorce proceedings most likely. 
  Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia? 
 Answer:   Everyone has the same DNA. 
  Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had a retarded baby? 
 Answer:   They named him Sum Ting Wong. 
  What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? 
 Answer:   A speech impediment. 
  What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast? 
 Answer:   They're hiring. 
  Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? 
 Answer:   Breasts don't have eyes. 
  Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? 
 Answer:   He walks around saying "Yo." 
  What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm? 
 Answer:   A Pimp. 
  Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays? 
 Answer:   Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it. 
  What's the difference between a Southern zoo, and a Northern zoo? 
 Answer:   A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front the cage, along with a recipe. 
  How do you get a sweet little 80 year old lady to say Fuck? 
 Answer:   Get another sweet little 80 year old lady to yell "Bingo." 
  What's the Cuban National Anthem? 
 Answer:   Row row row your boat. 
  What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale? 
 Answer:   A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." 
 Answer:   A Southern fairytale begins "'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."

Username: Dave Ames
UserEmail: gruesomegolfnut@comcast.net
Date: March 04, 2001
Time: 12:11 PM

Comments

An Anagram, as we all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has far too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (Wait till you see the last one! ...)

George Bush: When you rearrange the letters: He bugs Gore

Dormitory: When you rearrange the letters: Dirty Room

Evangelist: When you rearrange the letters: Evil's Agent

Desperation: When you rearrange the letters: A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code: When you rearrange the letters: Here Come Dots

Slot Machines: When you rearrange the letters: Cash Lost in 'em

Animosity: When you rearrange the letters: Is No Amity

Mother-in-law: When you rearrange the letters: Woman Hitler

Snooze Alarms: When you rearrange the letters: Alas! No More Z's

A Decimal Point: When you rearrange the letters: I'm a Dot in Place

The Earthquakes: When you rearrange the letters: That Queer Shake

Eleven plus two: When you rearrange the letters: Twelve plus one

And for the grand finale:

PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: It can be rearranged (with no letters left over, and using each letter only once) into: TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

Username: John McVey
UserEmail: john.mcvey1@comcast.net
Date: February 21, 2001
Time: 12:05 PM

Comments

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball, stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.

That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"

Username: Dave Ames
UserEmail: gruesomegolfnut@comcast.net
Date: December 24, 2000
Time: 09:22 PM

Comments

Subject: Obscure weights and measures

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi

2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton

1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope

Time between slipping in a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond

Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram

Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong

365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year

16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling

Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon

1000 aches: 1 kilohurtz

Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower

Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line. (think about it for a moment)

453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake

1 million microphones: 1 megaphone

1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles

2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it....)

10 cards: 1 decacards

1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton

1000 cubic centimeters of wet socks: 1 literhosen

1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche

1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin

10 rations: 1 decoration

100 rations: 1 C-ration

2 monograms: 1 diagram

8 nickels: 2 paradigms

3 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League

100 Senators: Not 1 decision

Username: Dave Ames
UserEmail: gruesomegolfnut@comcast.net
Date: December 24, 2000
Time: 09:21 PM

Comments

Seven New York bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.

The results: 

Drink: Beer 
Personality: Casual, low maintenance, down to earth. 
Your approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks 
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying, a pain in the buttocks. 
Your approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink: Mixed drinks 
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky tastes, knows exactly what she wants. 
Your approach: You won't have to approach her, if she's interested, she'll send you a drink.

Drink: Wine-(does not include White Zinfandel, see below) 
Personality: Conservative, and classy, sophisticated yet giggles. 
Your approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel 
Personality: Easy, thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue. 
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should be an easy target.

Drink: Shots 
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk,,,,and naked 
Your approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad.

Then there is the male addendum. The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut.....

Domestic beer: He's poor and want's to get laid.

Imported beer: He likes good beer and want's to get laid.

Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn't give a hoot about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He's gay.

Username: Dave Ames
UserEmail: gruesomegolfnut@comcast.net
Date: December 24, 2000
Time: 09:18 PM

Comments

TRANSLATING WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

Yes = No 

No = Yes 

Maybe = No 

We need = I want 

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry 

We need to talk = I need to complain 

Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to 

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful 

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later 

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron! 

Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead 

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me 

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs 

You're so.. manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot 

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive 

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now 

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?? 

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV 

How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like

TRANSLATING MEN'S ENGLISH: 

I'm hungry = I'm hungry 

I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy 

I'm tired = I'm tired 

Nice dress = Nice cleavage! 

I love you = Let's have sex now 

I'm bored = Do you want to have sex? 

What's wrong = I guess sex tonight is out of the question 

I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now! 

May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you 

Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you 

Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you 

Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you 

Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys 

You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you in the next ten minutes 

Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me 

I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I am gay

Username: McVey
UserEmail: john.mcvey1@comcast.net
Date: August 30, 2000
Time: 09:19 AM

Comments

****************************************

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "honey, I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!

Username: McVey
UserEmail: john.mcvey1@comcast.net
Date: August 30, 2000
Time: 09:10 AM

Comments

ACTUAL DOCTOR'S STORIES

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart." 

************************************* 

A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there are several cabs, and I was in the wrong one. 

************************************ 

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient. 

************************************ 

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test.  I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. " Now your left." Again, a flawless read.  "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam. 

**************************************** 

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications. 

"Which one?", asked the doctor. 

"The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!"  

The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see, Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. 

 ****************************************

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" 

After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years-when my husband was alive." 

**************************************** 

And of course, the best is saved for last.... I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" 

"It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. 

I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

Username: McVey
UserEmail: john.mcvey1@comcast.net
Date: August 30, 2000
Time: 09:05 AM

Comments

Very Special Sandals 

 This married couple was on holiday in India. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop.  From inside they heard a gentleman with an Indian accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop." 

So the married couple walked in. The Indian man said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex like great desert camel." 

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" 

The Indian man replied, "Just try dem on, Saiheeb." 

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years-raw sexual power!  In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Indian man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Indian's thighs. The Indian then began screaming, 

"YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!"

Username: McVey
UserEmail: m1jlm00@cablespeed.com
Date: 6/30/00
Time: 12:20:29 PM

Comments

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings." The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings." The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings that are on drugs." The bear says, "I'm not on drugs." The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."

Username: McVey
UserEmail: john.mcvey1@comcast.net
Date: 4/4/00
Time: 10:44:52 AM

Comments

Note: To make this story golf-related, just substitute "Gruesome Members" for "Elderly Women" and imagine it's two of your favorite Gruesome members, say for example Dean Wood and Scott Alder, driving to a golf outing..

***************************************************************************************************

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard.

As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stop light was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red and again they went right through it. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.

She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and again they went right through it.

She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us."

Mildred turned to her and said, "OH SHIT, am I driving?"

Username: Nick Greenberg
UserEmail: ncnl@cablespeed.com
Date: 3/28/00
Time: 8:29:15 AM

Comments

In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name, Tylenol is Acetaminophen, Advil is Ibuprofen, and so on.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced today that they have settled on Mycoxafailin. Also considered were: Mycoxafloppin, Mydixadrupin, and Mydixarizin.

Username: Rod Frank
UserEmail: batman01@gateway.net
Date: 2/5/00
Time: 12:17:30 AM

Comments

They say the happiest days in life are the day you buy a boat and the day you sell it!! Well, here's a good BOAT story!!

Joe and John were identical twins.Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who sank it.

Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.

Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife died suddenly. When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery.

A kind old neighbor woman mistook him for John and said: "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The darn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle!"

The old woman fainted

Username: Dave Ames
UserEmail: gruesomegolfnut@comcast.net
Date: 2/4/00
Time: 1:37:01 PM

Comments

HERE ARE THE TOP TEN WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE PLAYING TOO MUCH GOLF WITH THE GRUESOME!!!!!!

(10) When making love to your wife, you don't fantasize about another woman, you fantasize about winning all 6 blocks of a Gruesome match.

(9) Your idea of "haute cuisine" is a ragin' cajin burger with french fries and a 20-oz soft drink.

(8) You've actually SEEN Stew Royals.

(7) Your idea of a thrilling evening is to grab a 6-pack, turn on the Golf Channel, and stare at Jennifer Mills' bodacious ta-ta's.

(6) You petition the IRS to have Nick Greenburg declared a dependent on your tax return.

(5) You don't think there's anything odd about having Bob Hoover as your child's godfather.

(4) When dialing any number from anywhere, you automatically redial.

(3) When playing at an away course, you treat every putt as downhill and having a 5-foot break.

(2) You become a repository of Gruesome minutiae, such as how many beers John Romero had at the turn during all of 1999.

AND THE NUMBER 1 WARNING SIGN THAT YOU MAY BE PLAYING TOO MUCH GOLF WITH THE GRUESOME:

(1) You actually know who Aesop Robinson is.

Username: Rod Frank
UserEmail: batman01@gateway.net
Date: 1/27/00
Time: 8:29:09 PM

Comments

A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements. He tells her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies."

She did this every day faithfully and after several months, it worked! She grew great boobs!

One morning she was running late and in her rush to leave for work, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. She loved her boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus and said, "Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies."

A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?"

"Why, yes, I do. How did you know?"

"Hickory dickory dock."

Username: Rod Frank
UserEmail: batman01@gateway.net
Date: 12/8/99
Time: 9:21:49 AM

Comments

This man bought his wife a full-length mirror because she was always admiring herself. One day he saw her looking in the mirror and she said she thought her "boobs" were too small. He said no they aren't but she insisted they were. He said I will tell you what to do. Take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your "boobs" and it will make them grow. She looked at him in amazement and said "Are you crazy - who told you that?" He said, "it worked for your butt didn't it!"

Username: Dave Ames
UserEmail: gruesomegolfnut@comcast.net
Date: 12/7/99
Time: 10:21:28 AM

Comments

As a token of admiration of Tiger's extraordinary play this year, the members of the PGA Tour have decided to all chip in and purchase him a Lear jet.

Username: McVey
UserEmail: john.mcvey1@comcast.net
Date: 11/6/99
Time: 8:26:23 PM

Comments

A Catholic Priest and a Nun were out having a round of golf. The priest stepped up to the tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said,

"Shit, I missed."

Sister Marie told him to watch his language. At the next swing he missed again,

"Shit, I missed."

"Father, I am not going to play with you if you keep swearing."

The priest promises to do better. At the next tee he misses again, usual reply,

"Shit, I missed."

Sister Marie is really mad now and says,

"Father, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."

At the next tee, the priest misses, swears,

"Shit, I missed. "

Out of the sky comes a gigantic bolt of lighting which strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks. Then the skies open up and a big booming voice says,

"Shit, I missed

Username: McVey
UserEmail: john.mcvey1@comcast.net
Date: 10/29/99
Time: 2:30:18 PM

Comments

The Real Man Test

Note All "real men" answer "C" to all of these questions. Knowing this, women will have come far in understanding men and enriching their own lives if they carefully review the "C" answers.

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth.

You decide to

A. Present it to the President of the United States.

B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.

C. Take it apart.

-*-*-*-*-*-*-

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?

A. Innocence.

B. Idealism.

C. Cherry bombs.

-*-*-*-*-*-*-

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.

B. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.)

C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.

-*-*-*-*-*-*-

4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is

A. A cat.

B. A dog.

C. A dog that eats cats.

-*-*-*-*-*-*-

5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football game; she's reading the papers when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?

A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.

B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you can not honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.

C. That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw play on third and seventeen.

-*-*-*-*-*-*-

6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.

B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.

C. Tell her what?

-*-*-*-*-*-*-

7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is

A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"

B. "They're in school already?"

C. "There are three of them?"

-*-*-*-*-*-*-

8. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.

B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.

C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife is quietly trying to discard his underwear (which she is frankly jealous of because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her).

-*-*-*-*-*-*-

9. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?

A. He was being tested.

B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.

C. He refused to ask for directions.

-*-*-*-*-*-*-

10. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

A. Democracy.

B. Religion.

C. Remote control.

Username: McVey
UserEmail: john.mcvey1@comcast.net
Date: 10/29/99
Time: 2:28:12 PM

Comments

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered farm.

Secret Service searched the smoking wreckage but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man's tractor.

"Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"

"Yep. Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly.

"Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?"

"Yep."

"Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped.

"Nope. They's all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning."

"The President of the United States is DEAD?" The agent gulped in disbelief.

"Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. "He kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he is."

Username: McVey
UserEmail: john.mcvey1@comcast.net
Date: 10/29/99
Time: 2:26:42 PM

Comments

A new contract for Santa Claus has finally been negotiated. Please read the following carefully...

From: Santa Claus
To: The southern states

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Wisconsin, and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies, so keep that in mind.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.

Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys are insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe, he dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen" when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."

5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off." The last I heard, it also had other decorations on the sleighback as well. One is a Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. And finally, Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

Won't be long before Christmas, so get ready. Sincerely yours, Santa Claus (Member, North American Fairies and Elves, Local 209)

Username: McVey
UserEmail: john.mcvey1@comcast.net
Date: 10/29/99
Time: 2:25:29 PM

Comments

8 year old little Mary and her mother are walking through the mall together one day. "Mommy," says the little Mary, "how old are you?"

"Darling, you should never ask a woman what her age is." "Why not?" demands the child. "Well, that is something you will understand one day when you're grown-up."

"Mommy," asks Mary again, "how much do you weigh?" "Never mind." answers the mother. "Why can't you tell me?" "Because grown-ups never talk about how much they weigh. This is something you will learn and understand someday."

"Mommy," insists the child, "can you tell me why you and Daddy got divorced?" "Darling," responds the mother in exasperation, "that's something still very painful for Mommy, and I really just can't talk about it now."

A few days later, Little Mary recounts this conversation to a friend at school. The friend explains how to overcome these problems...

"All you have to do is get your mother's driver's license. It has all the information about any grown-up you want on it. You just read it like a report card and it'll give you anything you need."

So little Mary does as her friend recommended. That night she sneaks into her mother's room while her mom was cooking dinner. She rummages through her purse and finds the drivers license. After examining it carefully she walks up to her mother and says,

"I know how old you are! You are 35!" The mother is very surprised. "And, I know how much you weigh. You weigh 136 pounds, right?" The mother is shocked. "And, I know why you and Daddy got a divorce."

The mother, dumb founded asked, "Why?"

"It's because you got an F in sex."

Username: McVey
UserEmail: john.mcvey1@comcast.net
Date: 10/29/99
Time: 2:23:55 PM

Comments

Quotes from the Montreal comedy  festival:

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole   relationships."
Jimmy Shubert

"And God said: 'Let there be Satan,  so people don't blame everything on Me. And let there be lawyers. so people don't blame everything on  Satan'."
John Wing

On going to war over religion:  You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better  imaginary friend."
Rich Jeni

"I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms."
Gary Valentine

The difference between men and women: "On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars."
Jeff Green

"What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'"
Francois Morency

"The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there.Type in 'Find people who have sex with goats that are on fire and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'"
Rich Jeni

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do."
Rich Jeni

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ..... no matter what she's reading."
Emo Philips

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets a blow job no matter how bad it is."
Lenny Clarke

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'"
Emo Philips

"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that,  you're in."
Rich Jeni

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Ren Hicks

"Things you'll never hear a woman say : 'My, what an attractive scrotum!'"
Jeff Green

"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves."
Emo Philips

"My parents saw the president they loved get shot in the head. I saw my president get head."
Elon Gold

"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot."
Kevin James

"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master."
Emo Philips

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Rich Jeni

Username: Wilhelm
UserEmail: curlygw@aol.com
Date: 4/25/99
Time: 8:02:37 PM

Comments

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"

Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

Username: Wilhelm
UserEmail: curlygw@aol.com
Date: 4/25/99
Time: 7:59:52 PM

Comments

Foot in mouth

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.

The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some asshole out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." Just as he was finishing saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager OK'd the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?" The boy replied, "Minnesota sir." "Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota?" asked the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."

Really?" replied the manager, "My wife is from Minnesota!!" The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?"

Username: McVey
UserEmail: john.mcvey1@comcast.net
Date: 12/29/98
Time: 8:49:26 AM

Comments

Three newly married couples want to join the same church. One is an older couple, one a middle-aged couple, and one a young couple.

The pastor interviews them all and says "Certainly you are welcome in our church, but you must pass a test. You must abstain from sex for 2 weeks."

All three couples agree and depart. Two weeks later, they all come back for another interview.

The Pastor asks the older couple, "Did you have any problem abstaining from sex for the past two weeks?" The old man says "No Father, it was no problem." The Pastor says "Welcome to our church."

The Pastor then asks the middle-aged couple, "Did you have any problem abstaining from sex for the past two weeks?" The middle-aged man says "Well, Father, the first week was no problem. I did spend a couple of nights on the couch during the second week. But we made it. " The Pastor says "Welcome to our church."

The Pastor then asks the young couple, "Did you have any problem abstaining from sex for the past two weeks?" The young man says "I'm sorry, Father, We didn't make it!" The Pastor says "What happened, my son." The young man says, "Well, Father, I was standing behind her, and all she did was reach up and take a can of peas off the shelf. I was so overcome with lust, we dropped to the floor and made love on the spot."

The Pastor says, "I'm sorry my son, you know this means you are not welcome in our church." The young man says, "That's alright, Father, we're not welcome at Safeway any more either."

Username: McVey
UserEmail:
Date: 7/16/98
Time: 1:50:30 PM

Comments

The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.

'"Your Holiness,'"said one of the Cardinals, 'Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the "friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."

The Pope thought it was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his "Have we not,' he asked, 'a cardinal who can represent me against the leader of Israel?'

"None that plays golf very well,' a cardinal said. 'But, he added, 'there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a cardinal; then ask him to play Benjamin Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we will also win the match.'

Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result.

"I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said the golfer.

"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus,' said the Pope.

"Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.'"

"There's bad news?" the Pope asked.

Nicklaus sighed. '"I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."

Username: John McVey
UserEmail: john.mcvey1@comcast.net
Date: 7/14/98
Time: 2:35:14 PM

Comments

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, and the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff." T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff." Slide rule went out into the kitchen and returned with dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the frig., took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

The three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?"

The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, took a dump on the paper, had sex with the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation and went home on sick leave.

Username: John McVey
UserEmail: john.mcvey1@comcast.net
Date: 7/9/98
Time: 11:05:26 AM

Comments

Prison Life vs A Full-Time Job

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.

In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.

In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. At work you are just ball-and-chained.

In prison you get your own restroom facilities. At work you have to share.

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required. At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.

In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. At work there are some programs you can never get out of.

In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic. At work we have managers.

Username: Ted Tlanda
UserEmail: tlanda@erols.com
Date: 6/30/98
Time: 8:56:36 PM

Comments

During WWII an American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months. When he was finally given some R&R, he caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south of England, then he caught a train to London.

The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit down. Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat a proper looking older Englishwoman, with a small dog sitting on the seat beside her.

"Could I please sit in that seat?" he asked. The lady was insulted. "You bloody Americans are so rude," she said, "Can't you see my dog is sitting there?"

He walked through the train once more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place. "Lady, I love dogs. Have a couple at home. So I would be glad to hold your dog if I can sit down", he said.

The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude, you are arrogant. He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said, "Lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time. Could I please sit there and hold your dog?

The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also obnoxious.

With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, and threw it out the window, and sat down. The lady was speechless.

An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up, "Young man, I do not know if all American's fit the lady's description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do alot of things wrong.

You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.

Username:
UserEmail:
Date: 6/19/98
Time: 10:19:00 AM

Comments

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist - he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone was still ringing - when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it...half of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife - she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer... ...and believe me, Mister, I TOLD HER!"

Username:
UserEmail:
Date: 6/15/98
Time: 9:44:00 AM

Comments

Top 25 Engineer's Terms and Expressions (What they say versus what they mean)

1. A number of different approaches are being tried. (We are still guessing at this point.)

2. Close project coordination. (We sat down and had coffee together.)

3. An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach. (We just hired three punk kids out of school.)

4. Major technological breakthrough! (It works OK; but looks very hi-tech!)

5. Customer satisfaction is believed assured. (We are so far behind schedule, that the customer will take anything.)

6. Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive. (The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.)

7. Test results were extremely gratifying! (Unbelievable, it actually worked!)

8. The entire concept will have to be abandoned. (The only guy who understood the thing quit.)

9. It is in process. (It is so wrapped in red tape that the situation is completely hopeless.)

10. We will look into it. (Forget it! We have enough problems already.)

11. Please note and initial. (Let's spread the responsibility for this.)

12. Give us the benefit of your thinking. (We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we have already done or with what we are going to do.)

13. Give us your interpretation. (We can't wait to hear your bull.)

14. See me or let's discuss. (Come to my office, I've screwed up again.)

15. All new. (Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.)

16. Rugged. (Don't plan to lift it without major equipment.)

17. Robust! (Rugged, but more so)

18. Light weight. (Slightly lighter than rugged)

19. Years of development. (One finally worked)

20. Energy saving. (Achieved when the power switch is off.)

21. No maintenance. (Impossible to fix)

22. Low maintenance. (Nearly impossible to fix)

23. Fax me the data. (I'm too lazy to write it down.)

24. We are following the standard! (That's the way we have always done it!)

25. I didn't get your e-mail. (I haven't checked my e-mail for days.)

Username:
UserEmail:
Date: 6/15/98
Time: 9:43:15 AM

Comments

Things Not to Say to a Cop

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!

5. Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?

6. Sorry Officer, I was day Dreaming.

7. Are we going to be on that TV show "COPS"?

8. Oh good, it just you. I thought it was that bounty hunter after me!

9. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

10. Do you know how stupid you look in that costume?

11. Look, I'm really in a hurry. I need to make it to the FBI building with this fertilizer and chemicals before it closes today.

12. Lets play "Cops & Robbers". I'm the Cop and your the Robber. Ok?

13. I pay your salary!

14. So, uh, you on the take, or what?

15. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

16. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

17. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around-that's how far ahead of me they are.

18. What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.

19. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

20. Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum. (Also OK in Texas).

Username:
UserEmail:
Date: 6/15/98
Time: 9:39:40 AM

Comments

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!".

The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and lead the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!".

The battle was on, and once again the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, although this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?". The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid". The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to their Captain for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!" 

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Date: 6/15/98
Time: 9:37:26 AM

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3 buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say......LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

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Date: 6/15/98
Time: 9:35:40 AM

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If you have Microsoft Word, this is one way to see Microsoft's attempt at humor:

1) Get into a new document (usually automatic).

2) Type "Unable to follow direction".

3) Highlight the sentence you just wrote.

4) Click once on Tools

5) Click once on Language

6) Click once on Thesaurus

7) See what happens! :)

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Date: 6/15/98
Time: 6:11:11 AM

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A man & a woman in elevator on 99th floor. Cable snaps, safety's fail and elevator starts plummeting to the earth. Woman rips off her shirt and says "make a woman of me for the last time". So man rips off his shirt and says "here, iron this".

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Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't? Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed. Married guys go to bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.

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A man and a woman are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the woman gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car. She says, "Look, it's shivering...it must be cold. What should I do?" He says, "Put it between your legs." She says, "What about the smell?" He says, "Hold its nose."

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Norris walks into a doctor's office and says, "Doc, you gotta help me. I've got a constant erection. At first it was fun, but then it became painful and embarrassing." While the doctor's examining him, a bug jumps off his penis and his boner goes right down. Norris says, "Gee, Doc, that's great. How much do I owe you?" The doctor says, "If I can find that bug, you don't owe me anything."

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MAGIC MIRROR

A LADY SHOPPING IN AN ANTIQUE SHOPPE SEES THIS BEAUTIFUL MIRROR. SHE DECIDES TO BUY IT AND TAKE IT HOME. SHE JUST COULDN'T SEEM TO GET BY WITHOUT PUTTING IT UP IN HER BATHROOM. AFTER SHE BATHED, SHE STOOD IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR AND SAID, "MIRROR , MIRROR, ON MY DOOR, MAKE MY BREASTS SIZE 44". IMMEDIATELY, LIGHTS FLASH AND WHOOOOOM: BIG BREASTS...!! SHE RUNS TO HER HUBBY AND TELLS HIM WHAT HAPPENED. HE RUNS EXCITEDLY TO THE MIRROR. HE SAYS, " MIRROR, MIRROR, ON THE DOOR, MAKE MY PENIS TOUCH THE FLOOR". LIGHTS FLASH, DARKNESS FALLS, AND WHOOOOOSH, BOTH HIS LEGS FALL OFF!!